


this is false confidence (on various fronts)

by moderatelymothlike



Category: Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Cath Avery Is Not A Cat Lady, College, Coming of Age, First Meetings, I Mean She Probably Is In Canon, One Shot, Same-Sex Daemons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27601615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moderatelymothlike/pseuds/moderatelymothlike
Summary: Lying to your soul is kind of stupid, Cath reflected, following hers as he made his way to the elevator Sadie held open. Still, telling the truth might be worse.--Cath Avery heads to college with several boxes, her faithful daemon Aster, a rather burdensome secret, and meets a boy.
Kudos: 4





	this is false confidence (on various fronts)

**Author's Note:**

> The concept of daemons are directly borrowed from the His Dark Materials series. As a refresher/introduction, daemons are the manifestations of people's souls in animal form. They don't settle into one specific shape (that best represents the person) until adulthood, or in certain cases, a pivotal moment earlier than that. They are usually the opposite sex to their person, same sex is rare. 
> 
> Enjoy!

There was a daemon in Cath's dorm room. 

He lay curled on the bed to the left, which was covered in boxes but still bare. Peering over the one she was carrying, Cath only caught a glimpse of his small furry form. He must be Reagan's, she thought, stepping to the right and concentrating on setting her burden down on the unclaimed desk. 

That done, she stood there with her back to the room, mustering the strength to turn around and greet Reagan. Her roommate. The person she was supposed to live with for the next year and had barely spoken to, instead of Wren. 

A spike of hurt shot through her at the thought of her sister. Simultaneously, she felt fur brush against her skin. Aster leaned against her leg, his weight unfamiliar but reassuring. He leapt onto the table, then onto her box, and butted his head against her arm. "It'll be okay," he said, quiet enough that only she heard him. "We can do this." 

Cath frowned. She wasn't so sure. Was it too late to beg Wren to let her camp in her room? Sleeping on the floor wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Behind her, a low voice (too low to be Reagan) spoke. "Dandelion, wake up." 

Cath spun around, just in time to watch a boy (a boy!) reach down and shake her roommate's daemon gently, who grumbled but otherwise didn't react. 

She gasped. She couldn't help herself. She looked around the room, not seeing another daemon. Aster hissed softly, just as startled as she was. 

"I'll get up when Reagan gets back," she heard the other daemon say, muffled. His voice was low too, maybe even lower than the handsy boy, who'd looked up at her gasp.

"Oh!" He said. He looked briefly startled, glancing down at the daemon he was still touching. He stiffened for a moment, h but he didn't stop, even with Cath and Aster looking on. 

Cath couldn't stop staring at his hand and the daemon beneath its expanse. Noticing her stare, he grinned, and any trace of lingering tension slipped from his body. "Hi! Hold on," he said, scooping Reagan's daemon up and depositing him onto the floor, where he promptly curled up once more. 

"You have to wake up, Reagan'll be here any minute," he pointed out, addressing the furry lump. When no response came, he sighed, rolling his eyes at Cath conspiratorially before crossing the room in two efficient steps. 

"I'm Levi." He said brightly as if nothing had happened at all, as if he hadn't just _touched another person's daemon_. "You must be Cather." He held out his hand for a shake. The same one, Cath noted, he'd used to touch Dandelion. Reagan's soul. She felt a little sick. 

"Um," Cath said. She eyed the hand warily, as if it might sprout teeth and bite. Like it might reach out past her and touch Aster too. Between the two, she wasn't sure which was more horrifying. Aster, evidently having the same thought, shrank behind her. "It's Cath."

Levi raised his eyebrows, still grinning, but he didn't comment on her obvious reluctance. He just stuck his hand in his pocket and kept on grinning. 

Cath didn't know what to say. Usually, Aster would, but it didn't seem like he was going to. She felt his fur bristling against her back as he trembled with a mix of indignance and uncertainty. 

They stood there for a moment, Levi still smiling and Cath biting her lip, feeling nausea bubble in her gut. Then, mercifully, someone comes tromping through the door and across the room. 

"Oh shit, Dan, move," a distinctly feminine voice said from behind a box. "Why are you on the floor like that? I nearly stepped on you." 

_Reagan,_ Cath thinks and feels only relief for the timely rescue. 

"Ask Levi," Dandelion (Dan?) says, voice hazy with sleep, and uncoils himself. Cath watches as he steps carefully out of Reagan's way and stretches, long and luxuriously. Finally, she can see his full form. A ferret, cream and brown, with small round ears that flick rapidly as he yawns. He's so long, she thinks, mildly impressed despite her churning nerves. 

"I put him down to get him to wake up but he wouldn't," Levi says, turning to face Reagan, laughter in his voice. "You could've carried him, it's not like he has to walk," she says. "It's the only time he's ever chill." 

Now that Levi isn't facing them anymore, Aster steps out from behind Cath's back. Together, they watch as Dandelion slowly blinks, looking more and more alert with each one. 

The movement catches Reagan's eye. She nods towards their direction. "Oh, hey. Cather, right?"

Cath looks up into Reagan's intimidating stare. She's dressed in heavy black boots and dark jeans and a wine red top that dips in a slightly too deep V. Wren would love that shirt, Cath thinks, and suddenly she misses her more than ever, even though she's only two buildings away. With how their relationship currently is, it feels a lot further. 

"I go by Cath, actually," she manages to say around the growing lump in her throat. "This is Aster." 

Aster dips his head in acknowledgment. 

"Nice to meet you, Aster," comes a voice from the vicinity of Reagan's face, but her mouth is still. For one moment, Cath is convinced she's doing a spot of ventriloquy, despite every indication that points to Reagan having no interest of that sort. Then, she spots what she had thought were strands of hair waving at her in an unmistakably deliberate fashion. "I'm Pyl." 

What? 

"I thought Dandelion was your daemon," Cath breathes, stunned. 

Reagan laughs. It's a sharp, strident sound, but not unkind. Levi flinches, barely, minisculely, but straightens almost immediately. "Nope, he's mine," he says brightly. 

"Oh," Cath says. 

"No worries," Levi says, as Dandelion dances across the floor with light steps, coming to a stop by Levi's leg. He sits and stares at her curiously. "It happens all the time." 

Cath doesn't know what to say. Beside her arm, she can feel Aster scrutinizing the ferret below. 

"Well, we're headed out for burgers, big as your fist," Levi said. "You want in?" At the mention of burgers, Dandelion jumps upright and climbs Levi's pant leg rapidly, disappearing behind his back and reappearing moments later draped over his shoulder. 

"I'm getting dinner with my dad," Cath says. "But, um. Thanks."

"Ah, no worries," Levi says, lifting one hand to steady Dandelion, balanced rather precariously upright. "Another time. You'll love it."

Reagan locks her phone and tucks it in her pocket. "Ready?"

"Yeah." Levi leads the way out. Halfway down the hall, he says over his shoulder, "See you around, Cather!" 

"Later," Reagan says, bringing the door closed behind her without waiting for a response. 

"It's Cath," she murmurs. She sinks onto the desk chair by her hip, legs suddenly boneless. 

Aster bounds from the desk to the bed behind her, which is probably hers for the year, Cath thinks. He flops down too. "Well." He says. It's a statement. 

"I really thought he was touching her daemon," Cath said, staring blankly at the empty bulletin board above her desk, reliving the shock.

"Hm," Aster says, noncommittally. Expecting a greater reaction, Cath frowns. She turns around to face him and discovers that Aster, grey, fluffy, and magnificent in his Maine Coon form, is suddenly decidedly smaller. And cream. And brown. And most crucially, long. 

"Aster!" Cath says loudly, horrified. She glances frantically towards the door, expecting Reagan, or worse, Levi to burst through having forgotten a wallet, or a phone, _something._ "You can't!" 

"I'll change back before the door even opens," Aster promises, busy wiggling back and forth. "I just wanted to see what it was like. I've never been a ferret before." He twists, head down and belly up. "Woah." 

"You promised," she said, heart thundering in her ears. 

"No one will find out, don't worry. It just doesn't feel right to always be in one form yet." Aster stood on all fours and bounced up and down the length of the bed. 

Cath frowned. "I wish you'd hurry up," she said, the stress of earlier making her words harsher than she really meant. Aster flinched, his tiny claws digging into the slick surface of the mattress. 

"Cath?" A tentative tap on the wooden door. It was her dad on the other side. From one step to the next, Aster was a cat again. He curled into a ball, much like Dandelion earlier but several sizes larger, his nose covered by his tail. 

"Come in," Cath called. 

There he was, so familiar that she felt tears prick her eyes. He set down another box, larger than the one she'd carried, with a definite thump. "That's the last of them." At his feet stood Sadie. She clutched his wallet in her tiny hands, waving it excitedly. "You ready for some pizza?" 

"Yeah. Let's go." Cath said, summoning a smile. Anything to hold onto home a little longer. Wren was probably with Courtney at the first year cookout, having fun flirting with boys, but she wasn't about to say goodbye to their dad a second earlier than possible. 

She watched as her dad scooped Sadie up and turned to go the way he'd come. 

Aster hadn't moved, even though she knew he'd heard them. "I'm sorry Aster," Cath sighed, but he remained still. They listened to her dad's footsteps recede down the hall. 

"I didn't mean it like that. I don't blame you." 

Aster's tail twitched. "I think you do," he said. Then he stood, his golden eyes staring into hers. "I didn't mean to _not_ settle. I just know it's not right yet." 

"It's okay," Cath said automatically. She held out her arms. "Come on, we should go." 

Aster watched her for another moment. "I'll walk," he finally said, slipping down and out of the door soundlessly. Cath locked the door quickly and followed. 

In her chest, she felt a twinge of hurt where the little piece of Aster lived. _Lying to your soul is kind of stupid,_ Cath reflected, following hers as he made his way to the elevator Sadie held open. Still, telling the truth might be worse. 

Ahead, Aster's tail hung low, nearly skimming the ground. His shape wasn't right. He knew it, Cath knew it, but no one else seemed to. 

People looked at Cath, introverted, quirky (god, she hated that word), and quiet, and didn't question her daemon's form. It was expected. It suited her perfectly. Except, of course, it didn't. 

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello! I didn't want to say this at the top, but this is my first officially published fic! or one shot, actually. please, please let me know what you think! should i expand this universe? I have some ideas but some motivation would be lovely. I'd love to hear your thoughts, truly!


End file.
